Friend

I spoke to my best friend S after a long time yesterday. It was a long phone call which lasted for one and a half hour. She is my soul sister. I guess the person I am most compatible with in this world. We connect like anything. We understand each other so well, that I can speak to her about anything under the sun, with full assurance that I am being understood completely. I can talk to her without the fear of being judged. I am blessed to have someone in my life who I can speak to as if I am speaking to myself. When she was in India we would speak like almost everyday. Now the phone calls are much spaced, but whenever we need each other, we make sure that we are available for each other.

Yesterday was one such day. S called and i knew she wanted to discuss something. And that something was mid life crises, which she is going through these days. Surprisingly I am also going through something similar, so it was kind of not very difficult to understand what she was saying. We discussed at length about her thoughts, her feelings, stuff troubling her etc…in the course of the conversation many queries got answered, many new cropped up, her doubts got cleared, and as the conversation flowed, some of my thoughts were re-assured and echoed and  .. eventually we both ended the conversation feeling lighter by tones! I guess my wisdom and ideas are at their best while speaking to her. Even I am surprised by my own piece of advice and analysis of things when I speak to her. That is my analytical best! I am never so sure and clear in my views and thoughts except when talking to her. It amazes me…seriously!

No matter what the problem is, it has never happened that any of us has come out of a discussion, empty handed. The problems do not necessarily get solved, but just speaking to each other gives us the much needed peace of mind and hope! Same happened yesterday. I would not want to write what all we discussed, but the fact that she was much relieved after speaking to me makes it all worth.

This year November, it would be 10 years of knowing S. We met at my first job way back in Nov 2004. We did not interact much in the beginning and did not like each other instantly, but I remember one day while taking a stroll after lunch on the office terrace we had a conversation wherein some serious stuff was discussed, and bang! I knew i had found a friend for life! The friendship became stronger only after that. Though we were hardly in the same city when she was in India, but we were always in touch. I miss her immensely today as she is in the US, and the time difference coupled with our individual responsibilities towards family/ work has made it difficult to call each other as frequently as we would have wanted. But then, as time has passed I have realized that after a certain point in time you do not make new friends who can get very close to you. Its just the old friendships, that too the ones which you really believe in, which survive the test of time which remain. I am so thankful to God, that I have such a friend and I hope to maintain this friendship for life!

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A piece of my mind

I am sometimes confused. Rather most of the time. There is a lot going on in my head right now. Just like ALL other times. I am on sabbatical for past 10 months. I was getting paid till Oct, Nov onward i have not being receiving any salary. Thankfully things fell in place as husband changed jobs around that time and since the EMI of our home loan is still nominal, we are in a comfortable position.

However, I am not mentally in a Ok state. Since the time i have stopped earning, i live in this perennial guilt while spending husband’s money. Especially while spending on myself. Not that i have been spending money like crazy, but whatever little things i have bought for myself, have all brought with them a sense of guilt. Guilt and fear that I am able to afford spending on myself without slogging for it!  The guilt multiplies every time i see husband extending work hours or midst of piles of work and the related tension. i get the feeling that i am living off him. he is slogging and i am enjoying motherhood. Sitting at home with my baby and being able to see her grow. I would like to mention here that i have a cook and a part time maid who stays for 2-3 hours to help me with the baby.

I don’t know if this is normal and many people who are financially independent feel like this. Its definitely not a great feeling. Sometimes i think i live in a constant fear. Over a period of time my mind has gotten use to the fact that slogging, working like crazy, always being surrounded by tension in one form or the other is the only way of life. If in between this things become smooth for a duration, then my antennae go on alert! definitely there is something hidden in all this, i will have to pay for this luxury (like being able to spend/ live comfortably without earning/ slogging) very soon. So right now, when things are good, i am still not happy. I am worried, worried that the coming times will take revenge and i will have to pay hard for this “free lunch” i am having.

Do i sound psychic or is it normal?

Deep down i have no regrets of not being able to work/ progress in career for one year. Infact, i am happy for this break because i kind of hate my work. So this opportunity of taking an year long break was a welcome one. May be that is why i feel even worse, that i am actually getting what i wanted. To add to it all comforts at someone else’s expense.  Yes i do wake up at night multiple times, sit for hours putting her to sleep and undergo all other physical pains and frustration most mommy’s undergo, but still I have no complains. I am finding it ok. And that’s the reason i am scared. How I can I be ok?? How can I be in a comfortable situation? is there any hidden cost to it which i am not being able to see right now? For which I will have to pay later. i do not know. But overall this is not a great place to be in.

Pls do share your comments and thoughts if you happen to read this.

K’s birth story- Part 1(Our journey upto the D Day)

My pregnancy was a pretty smooth one. Except for the first trimester nausea, i sailed through the remaining months smoothly. There were few jolts here and there like sugar levels on higher side etc, but all was manageable.

Since the time i had imagined or wanted a baby, i could never bring myself to terms with a normal delivery. I came to know about epidural, and was a bit relieved that if we have to go the normal way, epidural would come to my rescue. However, deep inside i was still praying that a c- section happens, and i can be relieved of anything remotely related to labor pain. (That C-Sec comes with its own sets of problems was something totally unknown to me!).

My actual due date was around 6th of April, and i was planning to work till 15th March.  We went for a regular checkup on 14th March- with the Doppler scan to our gynae. She checked me physically also, and suggested that water levels are low. (its called amniotic fluid, in which the baby is actually swimming all the time when inside..:). My AFI index- (Amniotic Fluid Index) was on the lower side.

Doc suggested that i take complete rest and we will wait for another week. If the fluid levels do not increase, we will have to go for delivery. How, she did not specify, neither did i ask. Around my 7th month i had already communicated to her that i would want to go for a c-sec, and she had assured me that she will not let me suffer with any pain and would take care. Epidural was what she was referring to. Anyway, we came back home, and i started preparing myself mentally for the big day now!

I applied for one week leave that day and felt a bit weird. I had practically nothing to do. Mails coming on BB, but i was not expected to respond…this sudden change was a bit awkward. However, little did i know that this is just the beginning of the changes i would be up for in the coming days.

 My MIL came to stay with us the next day. She was the one who would be with me after the first few weeks of delivery. On 20th morning, we prepared ourselves for leaving for the hospital as per doc’s appointment.  The doc asked for an ultrasound which reflected that AFI index was further down. So here we were…:) I was to undergo a c-section in another couple of hours. We went back home to collect the kit for preserving cord blood and tissue and headed to the hospital. Calls were made to both side of family and best wishes came form all sides. We reached hospital and the formalities etc started, my doc was yet to arrive and a junior doc there asked me to jot down my details in various forms, when suddenly she calculated the age of the baby inside and said, “but as per this this is just your 32nd week”..!!! Ok, now that was a shocker..here i was sitting outside OT waiting for the child to come out, thinking that i am almost 37 and a half weeks, and suddenly i am pulled back into time with news that was definitely not good. For a moment i went numb!! Then the calculations were done again basis my last missed period, and she corrected herself…Thank God for that!

But the female had decided to screw my happiness for some more time. the anesthetist was called and she again started asking questions about my medical history etc; when i told her that i had a cyst on my spine which was discovered  2 years back and i have the MRI report. This was to give the anesthesia. So this was tricky….with any complication in the spinal cord, the anesthetist was not sure if a spinal anesthesia would work, and GA again is a tricky thing!! Added to this, just few days back i had read a story on the net, how a female had passed away during c sec because of over dose of GA given to her!!! So, this was getting a bit scary…..the optimist that i am, it took me very little time to imagine dying on the operation table and my baby being raised by either set of parents, as i had told husband at some point in time that if something happens to me during childbirth, the baby would be raised by preferably my parents- if not his,,:)….to which ofcourse he had not agreed…but little faith did i have in his abilities..:D

Anyway, it was decided that i would be given a GA and the doc the asked me to remove any rings etc i was wearing. I tried to remove the two rings i had on my fingers, when i discovered that i was all bloated due to weight gain and they would not come out. The staff asked a ward boy to get a cutter so that the rings could be cut and removed.

After waiting for like 15 minutes, two ward boys came, carrying a cutter on their shoulders, about 3 feet in length and not less that 15 kgs!!!! i almost fell off my chair laughing….:D…they had conveniently ignored what the cutter was needed for…and brought a cutter for some major cutting!!…I moved inside OT with both the rings on…:)

The operation started and i am told that K was out at exactly 3: 10 pm…:)

Thats when a new chapter started in our lives, the first few paras of which were too difficult for us to read through!!! K’s first 2-3 months and the much depressing breast feeding saga…

..to be continued!!