Today i learnt something about myself. I went to see K’s doctor for a vaccination. Since this was our first visit to him after K has turned one, he made some general inquiries about what all k is being able to do. As in walking, saying few words etc.
I told him everything in detail and he was pretty satisfied and said fine, she is doing well. She is being able to do what a one year old must be doing. So everything is ok. The amazing thing is, that after hearing him, I kind of got a bit disappointed!
Reason, I had this impression in my head that K was doing exceptionally well for a one year old. She is an intelligent child and is able to grasp things very fast. Among other one year olds around, I see that K is learning new things at quite a good pace. So subconsciously I was expecting the doc to say some amazing things about my baby like she is ahead of her age in certain things and is just doing great etc etc. However, he very matter of factly mentioned that she is doing fine and i need not worry about her growth.
When I came out of his chamber, I was not happy. While in the lift I realized the reason for my disappointment. Though I am very vocal about expressing my views on fact that we must not compare our children with others’and/ or measure them on any scale and feel either too great or sad about their skills/ abilities especially at this age; i realized today that i actually do not follow it!
The fact that I was expecting the doc to praise my baby proves that I am mentally doing some sort of comparison of my baby with others’and feel that in certain fields my baby excels and is better. Yes, the thought that my baby is better- and that is the problem. Every child is unique, is different, and will learn things at his/ her ow n pace. I realized that I kind of feel superior about my kid because of certain things she has learned to do earlier as compared to others.
This kind of thinking is wrong. In the long run i would be doing more harm to my baby than anything else if I carry such ideas in my mind. And i use to think that I am a pretty sorted person with great thoughts and the ability to implement them too!
I need to asap stop any threads of comparisons running in my head, especially if it involves K. And stop doing comparisons means seriously get all such thoughts out of my system, starting now!! Right now I am disappointed with myself. The fact is that I dislike people who compare their life/ kids/ spouse/ marriage…for that matter anything to others. I realized that I am not much different from them. I want to get this comparing streak out of my mind. I want to attain that stage where I feel good about my child. Full stop. Not in any particular frame of reference…but in totality. And i admire and feel good about any other baby i see/ meet. In between, not letting my mind to secretly do any comparisons. This is my objective starting now. I will clear myself of any such negative feelings. Wish me luck!! It surely will be a great state to be in.