I am sometimes confused. Rather most of the time. There is a lot going on in my head right now. Just like ALL other times. I am on sabbatical for past 10 months. I was getting paid till Oct, Nov onward i have not being receiving any salary. Thankfully things fell in place as husband changed jobs around that time and since the EMI of our home loan is still nominal, we are in a comfortable position.
However, I am not mentally in a Ok state. Since the time i have stopped earning, i live in this perennial guilt while spending husband’s money. Especially while spending on myself. Not that i have been spending money like crazy, but whatever little things i have bought for myself, have all brought with them a sense of guilt. Guilt and fear that I am able to afford spending on myself without slogging for it! The guilt multiplies every time i see husband extending work hours or midst of piles of work and the related tension. i get the feeling that i am living off him. he is slogging and i am enjoying motherhood. Sitting at home with my baby and being able to see her grow. I would like to mention here that i have a cook and a part time maid who stays for 2-3 hours to help me with the baby.
I don’t know if this is normal and many people who are financially independent feel like this. Its definitely not a great feeling. Sometimes i think i live in a constant fear. Over a period of time my mind has gotten use to the fact that slogging, working like crazy, always being surrounded by tension in one form or the other is the only way of life. If in between this things become smooth for a duration, then my antennae go on alert! definitely there is something hidden in all this, i will have to pay for this luxury (like being able to spend/ live comfortably without earning/ slogging) very soon. So right now, when things are good, i am still not happy. I am worried, worried that the coming times will take revenge and i will have to pay hard for this “free lunch” i am having.
Do i sound psychic or is it normal?
Deep down i have no regrets of not being able to work/ progress in career for one year. Infact, i am happy for this break because i kind of hate my work. So this opportunity of taking an year long break was a welcome one. May be that is why i feel even worse, that i am actually getting what i wanted. To add to it all comforts at someone else’s expense. Yes i do wake up at night multiple times, sit for hours putting her to sleep and undergo all other physical pains and frustration most mommy’s undergo, but still I have no complains. I am finding it ok. And that’s the reason i am scared. How I can I be ok?? How can I be in a comfortable situation? is there any hidden cost to it which i am not being able to see right now? For which I will have to pay later. i do not know. But overall this is not a great place to be in.
Pls do share your comments and thoughts if you happen to read this.