I am in this weird state of not knowing who I am for a long time now. I do not know myself completely, i don’t know if i am a career woman, or i want to stay put in house and be a homemaker pursuing my hobbies. I always thought that i am not selfish, i am very nice to people all the time, i would be a very good DIL. Offlate, whenever i find someone selfish, i suddenly get into this..”even i would have acted in the same way” most of the times. I am definitely not a good DIL, not that my inlaws are awsum set of individuals, but I know deep down that i can be better in my behaviour with them.
I was a topper kind of student in my school,m then btech and the MBA- however, since the day i have joined work, i do not remember if for a single day i felt like i was ambitious, and wanted to do great in my work. As in i want to do good, but the not sure if i want a career at all!!
But then, the very thought of depending on someone else for my expenses kills me. Will I be ok sitting at home and looking after kids, and the may be joining a kids school to teach? I have no idea. I want money, i want all conforts of life, but then i want the me time also. I want to do things which really make me happy- like writing, learning dance, looking after my house, listening to music!
My current job, does not give me any time to do this. Its a very high pressure job. though the opportunities for growth are quite high, but there is effectively no personal life.
I am not ambitious, that i am sure of. I have never seen myself passionate about my work, except for when i am given some presentation etc to make.
The problem comes, when i am encountered with people who are passionate about their work- the performance varies clearly. I want to get this clarity, that if i want money, all materialistic comforts, at the same time not lossing out on my personal life- what is the way out???
One option is , i take up a job, which pays well, is not of my interest, but provides a wonderful work life balance. But then, will i not start cribbing and feeling bad about- i do not like this job!!
What is the solution to this?
But one thing is for sure, now it is high time that i start thinking about it and find a solution ASAP. i am already 30 and do not think that there is any more time left to waste on this.
Its very very important for a person to know about him/ herself first. Self awareness is the key to peace and success.
Let me try to jot down things about myself which i know, like / dislike.
1. I am humorous- Like
2. I am Lazy- dislike
3. I am careless- Dislike
4. I am hardworking- Like
5. I am goal oriented (but generally have no goals, so this rarely manifests itself)- Like
6. I am sensitive- ok not sure- Like
7. I am not confident- most of the times- Dislike
8. I am selfish (:(..yes, have noticed offlate, that i am a hell of a selfish and self centred person, i cannot help but think about myself first)- Dislike Hugely
9. I can express myself well (most of the times)- Like
10. I am very bad at pretending, even when pretention is the only thing that would work- Hugely dislike
11. I am not manipulative and very straightforward most of the times- Dislike and disadvantage
So essesntially there are 2 parts to the above monologue-
1. Need to decide ASAP, whether to stay in this job or look for something which is saner, but which mostly i would not like.
2. Find out more about myself so that i can then mould my behavious and work on my negatives.